Dynasty Warriors Retold
by Da HecKlaR
Summary: What if the Dynasty Warriors we all knew and love wasnt really how we thought? What if there was an entirely different story that shows how everyone truely acted and who they were? Come and read the true story of Dynasty Warriors! CHAP: 1 & 2 Rewritten
1. The Call to Arms!

**_Authors Notes - I know what you're all thinking. Dynasty Warriors Retold? Is back? AGAIN?! I know, lol... but mind you I have been reinspired by the newest installation, Dynasty Warriors 8. All of the what-if's story branches and the new characters as well as the new weapons! Not to mention minor characters who have been faceless throughout the whole series have finally been given life! Han Dang/Yue Jin/Li Dian most of all! So... with that said. I am proud to announce that Dynasty Warriors Retold is back.. after a long multi year hiatus!_**

* * *

_**Chapter One: The Call to Arms! Meet Liu Bei and his Sworn Brothers!**_

A long time ago in a distant land we all know and love and very ancient, China, people had their hardships and sufferings. Riots began to spur all over the land because of no good harvests, corruption of the officials, and no PS3's to play but sticks and rocks and guns. Amongst these riots though was an old creepy looking fellow who goes by the name of 'Zhang Jue' had attained a book called the "Essential Arts of Peace" that some old hermit owned...

"The book is called 'Essential Arts of Peace'. You can convert the world and recue mankind, create 101 deserts with the simple ingredients of grass and Hershey chocolate bars. But you must be single-minded or least you suffer greatly! The book shall not suffer indignities!"

"Nice! I always wanted people to bend to my wills! So may I know the name of the owner of this book?" Zhang Jue asked as he took the book.

"You don't need to know who I am other than that I am a Hermit from the Southern Lands... Pop Smoke!" the Hermit barked.

"What?" Zhang Jue raised an eyebrow as the Hermit suddenly threw his arm downwards, a small black orb connecting to the ground and exploding sending a thick cloud of grey smoke everywhere. Coughing, Jue tried to wave the smoke away only to realize the old Hermit was gone. "My he is fast!"

As he went home, Zhang Jue began to study the book day and night. His brothers Zhang Ba and Zhang Lian questioned where he had obtained the book. He told him of the mystical Hermit who gave it to him, as he pointed towards the mountain where he met the old man; the clouds began to swirl around the top. Soon it began to rain. The three brothers stood and watched as the rain continued to fall until Jue, dropped his arm to his side. The clouds dispersed and the sun shine brightly.

"Oh my... it must be an omen." Zhang Ba murmured.

"Phooey! There's no such thing as an ill omen just by pointing. This is what we call a miracle brother! A miracle!" Zhang Lian said as he grabbed the collar of Ba's outfit and hissed in his face. "We could use it to our advantage. We must gather commoners and bring about the destruction of the Blue Dragon, the Han!"

Zhang Jue blinked, "That seems a little like hostile over."

Zhang Lian, grinned as he let go of his brother, Ba, and turned towards his other. "That's exactly what it is."

* * *

Soon after the three had begun recruiting lowly farmers and wanderers who have nothing better to do on their time. This sparked the beginning of the Yellow Scarves Rebellion as the rebellious men and woman donned yellow scarves across their head. As the Yellow Scarves grew in numbers, the Han had taken noticed and began to panic. They knew they weren't ready for such a massive number of people nor did they expect them to be so large. A soldier busted into the throne room of Emperor Ling and told him of the events unfolding across the land.

"You! Lowly guard who stands there wishing he were me!" a small astute man screeched which was Emperor Ling. He wore an odd looking hat, which had small strings dangling in front of his eye with small jewels on the end. His sleeves were large that covered his hands completely and the designs on his clothes were intricate and colorful. Across his chest was a design of an acorn. "Call forth my trusty Marshall, He Jin!" With that, he extended his hands and waved his fingers.

"Yes my Emperor!" yelled a guard who was taken completely by surprise. The soldier tried to run off but ended up tripping over his own two feet before falling on his face. Groaning, he stood up saying he was fine as blood trickled down his hand as he tried to stop the blood from flowing from his nose. Moments later the same guard with a rolled up piece of tissue in his nose came back with He Jin close behind. "Here he is my Emperor. Is there anything else you wish to ask of me?"

Emperor Ling tapped his chin lightly, "No... not really. I don't need you anymore lowly guard. Go about your business standing there... Or better yet go change your armor! We can't look like a bunch of slobs with blood stained uniforms!"

The soldier looked down at his armor and saw the blood Emperor Ling spoke of. Sighing, he walked away.

He Jin, who was a bit confused, watched the whole situation before speaking. "Is there any particular reason why you summoned me, Emperor? You interrupted my movie time." His gaze slowly making his way to the Emperor. The Emperor was sitting on his throne, legs dangling over the side of the throne. A dazed look on his face.

"Yes! There are these guys out in the middle of nowhere, binding their heads with Yellow Scarves and shouting stuff like, 'Master Good, Han Bad'... I don't like it and neither should you. It's rather insulting thinking that these rabble rousers can run amuck anywhere they please."

"Alright." He Jin shrugged slightly. "I also take it you want me to do something about it?"

Emperor Ling only laughed as he rubbed his index finger just below his nose. "Yes. That sounds good to me actually. Lord He Jin, I want you to go and take care of these fools for me. Let them know who the boss is around here by force. I want you to go about the local villages and cities and put up signs to recruit people of our own to fend off these growing groups of fanatics." With that the Emperor snapped his fingers and two men wearing white robes with red sashes over their foreheads came out with hundreds of papers in their arms. "Here He Jin, I already took the liberty to print out the posters that you will post up on the walls. You have your orders."

"As you command, my Emperor." With that, He Jin clasped his hands together and bowed deeply. As he stood back up, he turned about and walked out with the two gentlemen close behind. As they left the giant doors coming into the throne room closed behind them.

The Emperor smiled as he placed his hands behind his head and laughed. Reaching over he grabbed a glass of orange juice that was sitting on a table nearby. As he sipped, he sighed contently. "Ahh... it's good to be Emperor."

* * *

Later in the province of Zhou…

A man wearing a brown cloak approached a rather small village, the hood covering his face. He was of average height, a small beard of on his chin and his moustache finely trimmed. The only strange thing of the man was that his earlobes touched his shoulders. With a bounce in his step he made face to face with the guards who questioned his appearance.

"Say… who are you? You don't look familiar?" One guard asked as he pointed the tip of his spear towards the man.

He simply waved a hand in front the guards face. "These are not the droids you're looking for…"

"These are not the droids we're looking for…" The soldier mimicked back.

With that the stranger walked past the two of them with a smile on his face, almost skipping as he entered. The other guard stared at his friend.

"What the hell? Droids? What the hell are droids? You don't even know what you said did you?" He barked.

"Uh… I don't know."

The stranger made his way down the street when he suddenly saw a group of people gathered around. Curious, he made his way over to see what all the humbug was all about. Unfortunately he couldn't see what it was, nor could he wave his hand to make people do what he want. He burnt all of his energy for the day. Sighing, he turned around and walked away.

"HEY!" A loud raspy voice coming from his right. "Did you read the sign yet? It seems the Emperor is calling upon peasants to bring up their arms in attempts to push back the Yellow Scarves." The man was averaged build with a lot of muscle. He had a chef's hat on and a chef attire on. His was round with a shaggy beard jutting from his jawline.

"Aw… The Yellow Scarves? I was hoping it was a grand opening of an I-Hop in my home area. I'm so tired of having to walk all the way over here from my home just to get a god damned pancake." With this Liu Bei stamped the floor with his foot. "It also doesn't help that with these Scarved fools running amuck, they sent out a large shipment of pancakes off to the Youzhou region to supply the men."

"Then we should join! I get to go kick some Yellow Scarves butts while you get your pancakes! It's a win win situation." The tough man said as he folded his arms over his chest.

"That's a perfect idea man whom I've yet to learn his name! While we're on topic, what IS your name?"

"My name is Chef Zhang Fei. Master chef at your service. What is your name?"

"Master chef, eh? Wait… what are we talking about? Oh! My mother calls me Liu Bei but my father calls me idiot. He never did believe in me and he always laughed at my dreams and ambitions." Liu Bei raised a fist and it shook violently. "But one day… Oh ho one day I will show him. I will show everyone!"

"Right…"

"Anyways, I'm starving! Care to go grab a bite to eat at I-Hop while we are at it? We can discuss more of this… joining the Army and getting free pancakes. Wait. You're a chef… can't you just make me pancakes?"

"Ah, well you see I don't have the ingredients to do that. Sorry." Zhang Fei laughed.

"Oh bummer…"

Moments later the two newly acquainted friends made their way to the local I-Hop and took a seat where they began discussing future plans for the both of them. As the two talked however, the doors to the restaurant swung open and a very tall figure made his way inside. The man had a large beard that reached his belt line, his face red as an apple. He wore strange clothing though. A large green garb with a pair of scissors at his belt. "You! Waiter! Bring me some soup! I require hospitality!" Was all he said to catch the eyes of everyone.

"My such a booming voice, I think my heart stopped beating for a moment." Liu Bei whispered as he placed his hand over his chest. "Nope… wait… there it is."

As the tall man went and sat down at his table, Liu Bei and Zhang Fei stared at him a bit longer. Intrigued with the man, Liu Bei stood from his seat and made his way over to introduce himself. Zhang Fei watched as he left and brought it upon himself to steal his friend's pancakes.

"Greetings friend! That was some damn fine commanding you displayed back there! Anyways to the point me and my friend…" Liu Bei started. Turning he saw Zhang Fei eating his pancakes and gawked. "Fei you greedy bastard! Er… I mean."

Suddenly the tall man leaned over and spoke. "What do you want?"

Liu Bei's face paled. "I… well… we were wondering if you could join us at our table. We would enjoy your company and would like to discuss some things that could pertain to you."

"Hmph… very well. You don't seem like an official anyways." The man walked past our hero, who nearly fainted at the intimidating height of his new guest.

Soon the three sat at the same table, all of them enjoying their meals, especially Liu Bei who had a stack of pancakes in front of him, Zhang Fei who had some meat and was expertly cutting and seasoning his own meal, while their new friend just ate soup.

"So." Liu Bei began, "What is your name friend? I don't think I caught it."

"It's Guan Yu."

Zhang Fei smiled. "Please to meet you Guan Yu! My name is Zhang Fei, and he is Liu Bei." His eyes then looked at Guan Yu's clothes. "I also see you have some experience underneath that quiet frame of yours. And that beard!"

Guan Yu's eyes narrowed. "I like my beard… I trim it myself every day." Saying this he pulled out the scissors that were attached to his belt to show them off before putting them back. "I am a barber if you must know. I cut hair and I am quite good at it."

"I see… how good?" Liu Bei asked.

"Real good. But some people don't seem to understand that it is an art form and ridicule me when they're the ones who told me to cut their hair as they wanted." Guan Yu scoffed. "Well they learned their lesson."

Liu Bei raised a brow. "Learned their lesson? What do you mean?"

Guan Yu laughed. "I killed them!"

Liu Bei and Zhang Fei gawked as they froze in place. There was an awkward silence amongst the three, the only one who seemed to be moving was Guan Yu as he sipped from his soup bowl. As he set his soup bowl down he looked to the two of them.

Liu Bei was the first to break from his shock. "Well… I mean. We don't have to worry about that now right? I mean it was only because they weren't happy with the haircuts that they specifically asked for correct?"

"Yup."

"Well then there shouldn't be any reason for us to worry right?"

"So long as you don't need a haircut that you don't necessarily need."

"Right. I'll remember that."

* * *

As the moment passed the three continued to speak of their plans and what they should do with the Yellow Scarves causing trouble amongst the area. It was until Zhang Fei spoke up about his farm in the country side where the peach trees are in full flower. Seeing as the three would be fighting together he thought they should swear an oath of brotherhood and unity. Liu Bei and Guan Yu agreed to this and the following day set off to the farm. The three stood beneath an altar beneath the peach trees as the smoke of incense filled the air around them.

"We three- Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei- though of different families, swear brotherhood, and promise mutual help to one another. Should one falter the other will be there to lean him his sword. For we three… the cook…"

"Amen…" Zhang Fei peeped.

"The barber…"

"Hallelujah…" Guan Yu praised as he raised his hands.

"And the Jedi…"

Guan Yu and Zhang opened their eyes and looked at each other, questioningly, at the word Jedi.

"… And by these words let us begin our new journey in kicking some damn Yellow Scarves ass! Woo!" With that Liu Bei threw up his hands up cheered, flipping the altar over.

With this, the three faced one another with a glass of Fei's finest wine. Each held their own towards the center and smiled. Then they drank… Guan Yu and Zhang Fei drank the wine easily while Liu Bei gagged on the taste nearly falling to his knees in disgust. With the ceremony finished all that was left was a well needed plan to acquire some weaponry to do battle with.

Liu Bei sat on a small log playing with a small cylinder object. Guan Yu who had noticed went and sat next to his brother. "Brother, what bothers you?"

"Ah… nothing. It's just my cool lightsaber is broken." Liu Bei fussed.

Guan Yu raised a brow. "Light… saber?"

"Yeah! It's a cool thingie-ma-jig that emits a cool light! It's what we Jedi's use!"

"Jedi… yeah about that, exactly what is a Jedi brother? You said that during our oath and me and Fei both thought you were just being spontaneous."

"What's a Jedi? Well… well it's hard to explain. Maybe sometime later when I can think of the words to say, you know what I mean? Let's just say there are few people in the world who acquire such abilities. I am one of them!" Liu Bei said as he fiddled with his broken lightsaber.

"Ok. Well… what do we need to do to fix it?"

"Well… it needs a new crystal. Without one of those I don't think I will ever be able to fix it."

"A crystal? Well… I don't know how we are going to be able to get one of those but will make do with what we can find." Guan Yu sighed and thought for a moment. Suddenly he had an idea.

* * *

Early the next morning, when everyone in town was still asleep, Guan Yu was sneaking around the back alleys in an all black ninja suit. There he came upon the back door of a local blacksmith's store and broke in quietly by kicking the door in and off its hinges. The door landed with a loud thud (so much for quiet) as he stepped in, eyes gazing to and fro for blades. His eyes fell upon a large halberd of sort, decorated in jewels and ribbons. The second weapon he found was a large spear, the blade bent like a snake. Unfortunately there was no other weaponry he could find for Liu Bei. Not even a fork.

"Damn… wait. What's that?"

On a small table, laying next to a couple beer cans was a very strange object. It shimmered in the morning sun as it got higher. It was a crystal! Oddly though it was yellow with purple polka dots.

"Eh… I'm sure the color won't effect his lightsaber." Shrugging, Guan Yu snatched up the crystal and place it into his bag. And soon enough he was gone.

* * *

The next morning…

"Guan Yu these are perfect!" Zhang Fei squeeled as he received his new weapon. "This will be perfect for cutting dumplings!"

"This is for you, Brother." Guan Yu said as he held out the crystal to Liu Bei.

Bei cried for joy as he took the crystal and placed it inside of his lightsaber. He then hit the button on the side and a very bright yellow beam emitted from the base of the cylinder. Strangely it had small hues of purple strewn across it.

"Well… I didn't see that coming." Liu Bei stared as he waved his lightsaber around, eyeing the beam of light very carefully. "Anyways how did you come to acquire these?"

"Oh you know…" Yu started until screaming came from a building just across the street.

"Help! Someone help! Someone robbed me of my finely crafted weapons! They even stole my crystal that I use to power up the entire village!"

"Well then! Shouldn't we be off to the Imperial camp then?" Guan Yu laughed as he started to rush his brothers on their way. "We shouldn't be late signing up!"

"Aww… I was hoping to get some I-Hop before we left this mooooorning…" Liu Bei whined and complained as he was forced to move.

* * *

Sometime down the road, the three brothers ran into a small blockade on the road, in the distance a castle stood. At the blockade there were two soldiers, each a spear in hand.

"Halt! You approach the castle of Lord He Jin! State your business, stranger!" One of the guards said as he stared the three down.

Liu Bei laughed as he stepped forward. "Stand back brothers, let me handle this!" Rolling up his sleeves, Liu Bei had a smirk on his face. "These are not the droids you're looking for."

The guards hesitated. "Droids? What the hell are droids?" Suddenly they drew their spears on him. "Are you spies for the Yellow Scarves?"

Liu Bei yelped. "My powers! They haven't fully recovered from yesterday!" Nearly feeling faint from the spears tips about an inch from his face, he stumbled back, Zhang Fei catching him.

"Don't mind him… We are here responding to the call to arms by Lord He Jin." Guan Yu spoke up.

"Oh… I see. Well you can continue to the castle but the lord, He Jin is engaging Yellow Scarves as we speak. I'm pretty sure he will be grateful to have some reinforcements, especially now. It is said that Zhang Jue, launched an attack."

"Hmm… so it's started." Zhang Fei grumbled as he helped Liu Bei stand up.

"We better be off if we want to see some action!" Liu Bei cheered as he threw his hands up and ran ahead towards the castle. "I'll make sure these Yellow Scarves run with their tails between their legs! Woo!"

Thus the story of the Three Kingdoms begins... for better or for worse...


	2. The Battle Begins!

_**Chapter Two: The Battle Begins! The Imperial Army Moves Out!  
**_

In the castle, He Jin paced. He was nervous. His fingers were laced behind his back as he cursed beneath his breath about the Yellow Scarves' attack. He Jin knew they wouldn't surrender easily and their leader of the battle was Zhang Jue wasn't going to back down. Obviously the enemy was well trained for a bunch of civilians. He Jin himself was a good general in strategy but he was rather reckless. Jin was a thin man whom looked starved, a bushy moustache with gray hairs. As he continued to pace, two soldiers watched him awaiting his command. They were Huangfu Song and Zhu Jun.

"Stupid Yellow Scarves… with their Yellow Scarves. Hmph… Stupid Yellow Scarves. I hate the color yellow… and scarves! Is it no wonder I hate them so?" He Jin stopped as he lifted his hands in the air and shook them violently as if he was strangling a scarf.

"Lord He Jin. We have news of more volunteers arriving from the south. They should arrive at any minute." Huangfu Song spoke. "Should we bring them in?"

"No! Just… send him away to aid the others! Bringing him in for baozi and tea would only be a waste of time! These Yellow Scarves must be eliminated from this area right now if we are to hold a strong battle front! So go! Get the hell out of my face and kill these damn Yellow Scarves! SCARVES! _YELLOW_!" He Jin screamed.

"Yes… my lord." the two said confused as they slowly backed away.

As they walked Zhu Jun looked to Huangfu Song. "Well, it's a good thing you didn't mention about your latest failure in trying to drive off the Yellow Scarves, huh?"

"It's a good thing. I don't think he would've taken the news all that well." Huangfu Song sighed. "Regardless we better go greet the newcomers as well as brief the new arrivals.

As the two walked down the hallway they came into a large opened area. The sun was beating down and the thousands of soldier stood and talked amongst one another. There were a few named generals here who have also responded to He Jin's call to arms as well as those who had come with the lord to begin with. It was about this time Liu Bei and his sworn brothers were led in by an escort.

"Attention everybody." Zhu Jun called out. Obviously, no one paid any heed. "Hey! I'm talking here! Listen up you bunch of bastard children, I'm trying to inform you that we will be moving out soon on behalf of Lord He Jin's orders!"

"It's about time!" A general shouted. This man was dressed in the finest red silks with a large yellow medallion around his neck. His hair however was what stood out the most. It was grey, obviously showing off his age but it was fashioned in a large afro. This man was known as Sun Jian. "Let us hurry up and be done with this fight so that I may go home and prepare myself for the upcoming disco bash in Changsha. So help me god, If I'm late.."

"Calm yourself my Lord." A man next to him whispered. This man was his trusty officer, Huang Gai. On his back was a rather small boat. He himself was dressed kind of awkwardly. Like a lifeguard almost?

"Don't touch me Huang Gai! I swear if you try to give me CPR again, I'll end you!" He grabbed Huang Gai by the neck and attempted to strangle him. Two other generals of his Cheng Pu and Han Dang were there to stop him though.

"I suggest you listen to him, Lord Sun Jian." Huangfu Song yelled out from his perch. "We'll need to keep our cool if we hope to drive back the Yellow Scarves."

"Yeah! Let's go kick their asses!" Liu Bei shouted suddenly. All of the generals and soldiers standing next to him looked at with him raised brows. "What? Too soon?"

At this moment, a loud clang rang through the skies. It was a gong signaling towards the front gate. "Yellow Scarves!" A shout could be heard. "The Yellow Scarves are here!"

"Shit! They brought the fight to us!" Huangfu Song cringed before throwing his hands out to the soldiers. "Alright men! Now its do or die time! Let's go drive these yellow bandage wearing sissies out of here and end this rebellion once and for all!"

There was a thunderous roar amongst the army as they flooded towards the gates and exited the castle, almost immediately engaging in combat with the Yellow Scarves. It was a straight on collision but the Imperial Army kept pushing forward. At it's front was Imperial general Lu Zhi, a teacher who had taught Liu Bei in the past.

"Come brothers!" Liu Bei laughed as he readied his lightsaber. "We better head on out if we hope to find any action!"

"I swear, for a guy who wants peace you're all about fighting aren't ya?" Zhang Fei grumbled as he tightened his grip on his weapon and swung it widely out in front of himself catching a handful of soldiers in the process.

"Come, Zhang Fei. You can't expect to end the chaos without raising a hand?" Guan Yu laughed as a large blade danced across the battlefield. It was a fierce looking weapon. As he lowered his weapon and the enemies fell about him, he pulled out his scissors and trimmed his beard carefully. "I'm sure if we follow brother's plans accordingly, all will go well."

"What plans? He just wants to fight everything."

"That is a plan."

"Hell yeah!" Liu Bei cheered as he spun through the battlefield and continued to fell Yellow Scarves in his path. "Break a few eggs to make an omelet."

"That reminds me... we didn't eat before coming here." Zhang Fei groaned. "In fact... I think I left my saucepan back in the village!

"In due time we'll be able to eat to our hearts content and go get your saucepan but for now how about we focus on the enemy?"

"Fiiiine!"

As the three continued on their way towards the enemies camp, they happened across a peculiar man engaged in combat with what appeared to be a Yellow Scarves officer.

"Prepare to die, servant of the Han!" He shouted. "You cannot hope to defeat me, He Yi!"

Before him stood a man in a fine pin striped blue suit. His hair was slicked back with dark shades over his eyes. On his belt was a sword securely fastened while on the other side was a holster for what appeared to be a gun. "You jest. You Yellow Scarves are but a bunch of rabble in the way of my ambitions."

He Yi growled at the man's words as he went in for the kill. Bringing about his sword he swung vertically at the suited man who merely dodged out of the way. Before He Yi had time to react there was a swift knee into his gut.

"Damn!" He coughed.

"Shit, that hurt!" The man cried out has he held his knee. His serious demeanor was gone the moment he felt pain.

"Uh.. should we help him?" Liu Bei asked.

"Nah, let's see what happens." Guan Yu smirked.

He Yi was the first to recover as he again went after the mysterious warrior. It was for nothing though as he was caught once again in a quick strike. This time, the man in the suit stepped in close to the Yellow Scarf, reached for his belt and a loud **POW** echoed through the air. He Yi instantly went to the floor holding his stomach.

"W-what?!"

"I think not! You will not claim Cao Cao's head today! Everyone will learn that I shall not be trifled with... along with my vast arsenal of weapons given to me by my father!" He laughed as he kicked He Yi away and marched along on his merry way, adjusting his black tie.

"You cheating... bastard!" He Yi groaned as he rolled about in pain.

"Wow.. that guy has some serious issues." Liu Bei blinked watching him go. "Did he say his name was Cao Cao?"

"Indeed. We ought to watch out for him, I can tell he'll be trouble if he is to be left alone for too long." Guan Yu said quietly as he stroked his beard.

Zhang Fei pointed. "Did he really just shoot that guy? I swear... the weapons these guys' parents let them play with. So irresponsible."

* * *

The battle raged on as the Imperial Army moved out from their Main Camp and swarmed to the left and right of the mountain centered in the middle of the battlefield. To the right, generals including Kong Rong, Zhang Miao, Qin Xie, Cao Cao and even Sun Jian marched onto Zhang Ba's position. The forces to the left consisted of generals such as Liu Bei and his brothers, Huangfu Song, Zhu Jun and Lu Zhi who had begun to march upon Zhang Lian.

"My lord, should we really be marching on ahead of everyone else?" Huang Gai asked.

"You think I care?" Sun Jian laughed. He looked to his right to his other subordinates, Han Dang and Cheng Pu. "What do you guys think?"

"Huh? You mean you're actually asking my opinion?" Han Dang blinked a bit surprised. "Well, this is sudden... normally people don't ask what I think. Well, first off..."

"Times up.. Cheng Pu?" Sun Jian turned. Han Dang cursed beneath his breathe.

"Why not? It will be a perfect opportunity to show all these Imperials how to really fight." Cheng Pu jerked a thumb back towards the army.

"I agree." Sun Jian nodded, his afro wiggling. "See Huang Gai? Nothing to worry about."

"I fear, I have to disagree with that."

"Pff... you're such a downer." Sun Jian waved him off. A few minutes later there was a cry from up ahead. A soldier was in near panic as he ran towards the Imperial Army. "What's the meaning of this?"

"Yellow Scarves are up ahead! They appear to be preparing some sort of magic!"

The army hesitated.

"Magic? You know I could've swore I heard some rumors about this Zhang Jue guy in possession of some pretty wacky magic." Zhang Miao whispered quietly.

"I too have heard of this rumor." Qin Xie added.

"I swear, the lot of you are a punch of wussies." Cao Cao said as he walked up past everyone. In his hand was his pistol and in the other hand a thin blade ready for killing. "If you're all afraid of a little magic then stand aside and let me deal with them. This way I can continue to make a name for myself while you all sit here blubbering on what to do and what kind of barbie dolls you want to play with."

"I like this guy." Kong Rong laughed.

Sun Jian merely stared at Cao Cao. "Oi... this guy seems a bit off, not to mention Cao sounds very familiar. Don't we know a Cao?"

"That is perhaps the child of..." Han Dang started.

"Isn't that the brat of Cao Song?" Cheng Pu butted in.

"Why, you're right Cheng Pu. Why didn't I see the connection before? You're so observant."

"Oh come on!" Han Dang cried out as he threw his pike onto the ground.

"Come now, we sholdn't..." Huang Gai started.

However, the army's wondering and thoughts were interrupted when a strew of Yellow Scarves rushed from all sides. They were pouring out from dark crevices from the mountain. Before they all knew it, they were surrounded, leaving the majority of the army in a panic. Zhang Miao was the first to push back and retreat towards the main camp.

"What a coward!" Cao Cao yelled. "To think he would run away in such a dire situation such as this. I oughta shoot that bastard!"

"It doesn't matter, let the nobody run home to his mama!" Sun Jian yelled also as he suddenly struck a pose in disco manner. "Let the Tiger of Jiang Dong show you all what it means to fight!"

"Yeaah!" The three generals of Sun Jian cheered in unison.

"I like this guy too." Kong Rong clapped.

* * *

On the other side of the mountain, Liu Bei along with his brothers and the rest of the Imperial Army. There wasn't a whole lot going on their side but a bunch of grumbling. The entire march had come to a stand still as they were greeted by a large gate, half of it blue, the other have red. Everyone was clueless as to what it could mean or as to how to open it.

"I say we go around!" Zhu Jun grumbled. "If we stand here, we're going to accomplish nothing. Except for, you know, eating all of our provisions and stuff." He kicked an empty box.

"Stop complaining Zhu Jun. Even if we can't clear this gate, surely a trap is awaiting on the other side. We can't leave and let other Imperial Forces all prey to it."

"Really? Cause... I see a wall and nothing is happening. I don't think we have much to worry about it."

"Just shut up and go eat a bagel."

"Screw you and your damn bagel!"

"You two are really annoying. I find it hard to believe that Lord He Jin had you two to help him out in order to bring about the end of these rebellions." The one who spoke was Lu Zhi. Behind him was Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei... for some reason Guan Yu was cutting a random soldiers hair.

"Lord Lu Zhi... I should've known you would come along with us instead of the other group. Damnit, now we have to listen to this guy go on about how great he is and shit. Well let me tell you, sir, that you aren't. You're a douche." Zhu Jun growled.

"I sense jealousy."

"No way!"

"Look, now isn't the time to argue." Guan Yu started. "We need to find a way to open this gate."

"Who the hell is blanket face?" Zhu Jun pointed.

"Oh, he's with me." Liu Bei chirped. "He's my sworn brother! As well as this fellow, Zhang Fei!"

"Where's the beer?"

"We're here to help bring about the end of the chaos so we can go eat some pancakes. You all want in on the greatness?"

"I swear to god, you're all going to drive me up the fucking wall!" Zhu Jun screamed as he marched away from the group. "You, soldiers standing around doing nothing, come help me chop this door down."

The general and his lackeys went at it as they began to hack away at the large door. Everyone else just watched...

"I apologize for Zhu Jun's behavior." Huangfu Song mumbled. "He can be a bit over the top and a bit dramatic when things aren't going as planned."

"This is planned?" Guan Yu raised a brow lowering his scissors, the soldier thanking him before running off. "Terrible.. just... I don't even know..."

"Where's the beer?" Zhang Fei whispered again...

"Look, here's what I propose. Liu Bei, you take your brothers and go through the mountains and try to find a way to open the gate on the other side. Be quick about it though, I'd hate to have it open and be face-to-face with Zhang Lian's forces before you return. Especially if I have tweedle dee over there." He jerked a thumb at Zhu Jun who was just hacking away.

"Uh... sure?"

With that Liu Bei and his sworn brothers headed off into the mountains. Huangfu Song looked towards Lu Zhi and whispered.

"Do you know him?"

"I taught him in the past, so yes. His name is Liu Bei. I am surprised to see him join the call to arms."

"He seems like a great man..."

"He's actually an idiot..."

Huangfu Song stared at him. "So why entrust him with such a task?"

"Hah! I wanted to enjoy the quiet." Lu Zhi walked off to the side, plopped down next to a big boulder and closed his eyes. "If they gate opens up, come let me know, goodnight~"

And before Huangfu Song knew it, he was the only general that was left to take command. Slapping himself in the forehead he wished that he went with the other group. "Great! Just great! Thanks everyone for leaving me in charge of the soldiers! You bunch of lazy assholes!"

The moment he said this though, the gates began to open slowly... and Huangfu Song's eyes widened when he was greeted by a group of Yellow Scarves, grinning with their blades at the ready. Behind them stood Zhang Lian, a staff in hand, chanting something.

"Loyal dogs of the Han... you're time is at an end!" Zhang Lian shouted.

"SHUT UP! I'm trying to sleep!" Lu Zhi growled as he rolled over in his sleep.

"... Damnit." Huangfu Song groaned.

* * *

Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei were walking along the mountain path, looking to and fro. It was an empty looking path with nothing to look at by mountain walls and the path ahead. It wasn't before long they came into an opening with nothing but some wooden pickets scattered about.

"What is this supposed to be?" Zhang Fei asked. "Horseshoes?"

"I doubt it's anything. This looks like the remains of an encampment. It makes me wonder if whoever was here moved on towards Lord Lu Zhi's position." Guan Yu stroked his beard as he examined the area.

"Who cares? Jedi powers, activate!" Liu Bei held out his hands and the pillars began to shake. "I will use them to impale Yellow Scarves on them and use them as a means of intimidation towards their leader!"

"Damn, that's morbid brother." Zhang Fei stared at him.

Liu Bei continued to struggle trying to lift the pillars. "Damn, I think my powers are still recovering..."

"Halt! Who goes there!" A voice boomed from across the way. There stood a Yellow Scarf, ready and able with a spear in hand. "It appears the Imperial Army has found their way through the mountain and has walked right into the center of our forces!"

"The center of the enemy forces? There's no one here!" Liu Bei blinked.

"On contrare." The Yellow Scarves general snapped his fingers and before the three knew it, shadowy figures began to appear on the ground. "You forget that our Great Teacher is Zhang Jue and at his disposal is magic you've never even seen before! The bulk of our army is Phantom Soldiers!

Liu Bei gasped. "Phantom Soldiers? Phantom Menace?!" He shrieked as he pulled his lightsaber out and activated it. "Come my brothers, the Sith stand before us and we must tear him down!"

"I don't think those are the same thing brother." Guan Yu whispered.

"Shut up Beardy!" Liu Bei howled as he charged the enemy phantoms. "Prepare to die by my hand! For peace! For Pancakes!" Shouting, he swung, the lightsaber going straight through the enemy, Liu Bei landing on his face.

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei sighed.


	3. The Yellow Scarves Conflict!

_**Chapter 3: The Yellow Scarves Conflict!  
**_

"Look out! He's a mad man!

"He's coming our way! Everyone move it or risk getting run over!"

These were some of the common cries coming from soldiers on the battlefield towards the right flank of the Imperial Army. It wasn't because of the Yellow Scarves causing problems for them... in fact it was one of their own that happened to be causing trouble... mainly Cao Cao.

"Mwuaha!" Cao Cao himself was running amuck as he managed to secure his convertible from the vanguard, ramming into Yellow Scarves at full speed. A Yellow Scarf flew up and smack his windshield and stuck, face pressed against the glass. "Gyaaahh!" Cao Cao screamed at the top of his lungs as he quickly flipped on the wipers knocking him off. "None shall stand in the way of my ambition! Or my convertible!"

Qin Xie stared a bit surprised he managed to get that thing up and running. "Where the hell did he even get that thing?

Kong Rong laughed. "You forget, that's the son of Cao Song, the greatest mobster in Central China. That is Cao Cao, currently out to make a name for himself by defeating the Yellow Scarves."

"Who the hell asked you, Kong Rong?" Qin Xie slapped him upside the head and then pushed him on ahead. "How about you go and fight some Scarves?"

"Fine fine... Kong Rong unsheathed his sword and ran on ahead." As he charged on ahead he was met with a Yellow Scarves general almost immediately. This was Huang Shao and he wielded a large hammer over his shoulder. "Shit!"

"Fear not Lord Kong Rong!" Sun Jian shouted bravely as he leaped between the two and struck a disco pose. His three generals stood behind him at the ready. "Let us handle this troublesome foe, you go on ahead and stop Cao Cao from going on ahead of us and gets killed. As much as I would love to see it happen, I fear we may need him in the future."

"Not really..." Cheng Pu sighed.

"Alas!" Sun Jian cried. Before he knew it. Huang Shao was upon them, a large hammer coming down and forcing the four generals to scramble. "Crap! Okay, enough show boating, let's kick this guy's ass before he kicks ours!"

"You got it!" Han Dang yelled out. He readied his halberd and swept out Huang Shao's legs from beneath him. "Huang Gai, he's all yours!"

"I'm on it!" He threw the boat like weapon off his back as he dropped to his knees and threw out his arms. "Stand back everyone! I shall perform my greatest technique to render this man unable to fight us! Behold, the power of CPR!"

"...Wait, what?" Huang Shao blinked and before he knew, Huang Gai pressed his old man lips onto his and he started to flail uncontrollably, trying to get the old man off of him.

Sun Jian cringed as he watched. "Good lord, how is that even a move to use in combat?"

"It's like he's trying to suck the soul out of that poor man." Cheng Pu whispered. "It almost makes you wonder how he does it..."

"CPR?"

"Whatever that is." Pu waved his arms at the demonstration. Huang Gai, for some reason, never broke contact with Huang Shao who stopped flailing and was lying motionless. "Well, you rendered him unconscious... I think you can let him go now, Huang Gai."

"Huang Gai?" Han Dang asked as he tapped his shoulder.

"Don't interrupt me, fool! This man must be kept within this tactic in order for it to keep it's effect!" He said before quickly reattaching his lips with Huang Shao's.

"I can't help but feel you're enjoying this my old friend." Sun Jian groaned. "Look, whenever you're done playing make-out, come join us up ahead and help us deal with these Yellow Scarves. And for god's sake don't try and perform CPR on them."

"You just wish you were the one getting CPR."

"HAHAHA!" Sun Jian laughed as he walked away, Cheng Pu and Han Dang following close behind. The only that stayed behind was Qin Xie who watched on with interest.

"So... this CPR technique, do you think you can teach me?"

* * *

Further on ahead was Cao Cao with Kong Rong close behind.

"Wait up, Cao Cao! You're getting to far ahead of the army and if you get cut off from the rest of us... well." Kong Rong was shouting but all he got was the middle finger from Cao Cao. "Wow, what an ass."

"You think that a bunch of nobodies will frighten me off?" Cao Cao revved his car as he slammed on the glass pedal and roared into a mob of Yellow Scarves. "Wahahaha! The name Cao Cao will be feared by every man, woman and child before the end of this battle!"

Men were tossed to and fro, becoming road kill to the maniacal Cao Cao and his... car. However, during one of his burn outs, Cao Cao turned his vehicle to sharply and ran into a Yellow Scarves officer, Deng Mao. The hit was so hard that the vehicle stalled before flipping through the air. Cao Cao's scream could be heard before it crashed into the midst of the enemy horde. Kong Rong cringed.

"Oh my.. should I go help him?" Kong Rong asked himself before he noticed the Yellow Scarves recovering from the Toky Drift session performed by his fallen ally. "... Nah, I think he'll be fine until the others show up.

"You need not wait long, Lord Kong Rong." Sun Jian said as he walked up with his officers close behind. Minus Huang Gai that is. "I see that the brat has gotten ahead of us and thrown himself into quite the predicament. Let him suffer."

"That sounds rather unlike you, Lord Sun Jian." Cheng Pu scratched his chin.

"What're you talking about? That's totally like me, one hundred percent! You obviously haven't been paying enough attention to me during these last few battles have you?"

"I honestly try not too due to the fact you start rambling about your disco days and that you beat your rival during the disco dance contect."

"And what a fierce dance it was!"

Han Dang groaned as he looked past the group and noticed that Cao Cao's vehicle was set ablaze by the Yellow Scarves. "Uh, my lord, I think we should go and help that Cao fellow. It looks as if he's about to die."

"So let him! It was his choice to go on ahead so let it be his fate!" Sun Jian said firmly as he folded his arms over his chest and watched. "Such is the fate of every brave warrior."

"Help me!" Cao Cao could be heard crying.

"And a brave warrior he was..." Sun Jian wiped away a small tear from his eyes.

* * *

Back at the Imperial Army's main camp...

"It appears that the Yellow Scarves had made their move against us. Enemy generals, Zhang Ba and Zhang Lian have appeared on the front lines to meet us in battle and rumors are being spread that they are capable of using magic like their eldest brother, Zhang Jue. If that is true then it would be best if we proceed with the utmost caution..."

"Huh? What?" He Jin turned around around from the castle wall where he was watching the battle ensue. "Who the hell are you and how did you get inside the castle?"

"But.. I am your personal messenger."

"Are you? Or are you some sort of spy that the enemy has hired to come and assassinate me? You bastard!" He Jin unsheathed his sword and cut the man down in his place.

"You... crazy bastard!"

"Guhahaha!" He Jin laughed. "Go forth Imperial Army and kill those damn Yellow Scarves! Leave not a single one untouched! Burn, cut, chew and stomp on every last fool out there!"

Off to the side were a few of his bodyguards who were quite unsure what to make of the whole situation that just unfolded.

"Our lord just killed that man in cold blood. Should we do something?"

"No no... just let him soak in what it is he has done and maybe he won't have us killed for being witnesses. I happen to enjoy living right now."

It wasn't long after that, officer Zhang Miao returned from the front lines.

"Zhang Miao? What're you doing here?" He Jin asked.

"You kidding? It's crazy out there and I don't plan on putting my life on the line! Besides... there's a lot of people out there that can take a few hits for the team before I head back out. You know?" Zhang Miao laughed as he sat in a chair and asked one of the soldiers for a soda.

"I can't complain! Welcome to the sweet life!" He Jin laughed as he took a seat next to him.

* * *

Elsewhere...

"Fools, you stand in the way of the Great Teacher, Zhang Jue!" Zhang Lian laughed as he pointed a finger towards the general Huangfu Song. He happened to of been alone due to everyone else being lazy bastards. "Lay down your arms and I promise to let you die a quick painless death... Hah! I'm joking, it'll be quite painful and humorous."

"That's not exactly what I wanted to hear at this point in the battle considering that I am the only one left to hold the front lines... no thanks to you Lu Zhi!"

"Huangfu Song, shut the hell up! It's so hard to sleep with you yelling across the damn battlefield!" Lu Zhi screamed as he covered his ears.

"Yeah... whatever... and then there's him." Huangfu Song pointed to Zhu Jun who was still hacking away at a part of the gate even though it was open. "You do know that the gate is open and the enemy is upon us, right?"

"My goal was to break down this gate and that's what I plan on doing! Merely opening the gate isn't enough!" Zhu Jun howled as he continued to hack away. Even some of the Yellow Scarves who surrounded him were a bit unsure of how to go about this.

"Damn..." Huangfu Song rubbed his eyes. "I suppose the only ones I have left to rely on is that volunteer soldier, Liu Bei. Good god, I'm doomed!"

"You sure are my little patsy! Soldiers, string up that general and we'll use him as an example against the Han." Zhang Lian pointed as he laughed. Huangfu Song screamed as he was suddenly overwhelmed.

The general began to defend himself from the onslaught. That was until cries could be heard coming from the enemy lines. It was in fact Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei making their way back towards the group following the same exact path Zhang Lian took to reach the gate. There was a bit of confusion.

"What?! How the hell did they get behind us?!" Zhang Lian gawked as he pointed his staff at the three behind their lines. "Wasn't Cheng Yuanzhi watching the mountain path?!"

"So that's who that was!" Zhang Fei yelled as he swung his weapon across his front completely knocking out a group of enemies. "You hear that, Brother? That general we happened to have knocked out of the way before we got chased out by those phantoms was Yellow Scarves general, Cheng Yuanzhi."

"Am I supposed to know who that is? How the hell do you even know who that is?" Liu Bei yelled.

"Well... I mean... that guy said it..."

"Oh, shut up!" Liu Bei rolled his eyes before tugging on Guan Yu's sleeve. "Hey, go deal with that guy while we go and hide!"

"That doesn't seem like a very good plan."

"For you maybe, but I'll be perfectly safe behind our allies! Ciao!" Liu Bei smiled as he scampered past Zhang Lian and Huangfu Song, retreating past the Imperial Army. "Zhang Fei, you're more than welcome to help! I think I'm going to go sit on the toilet for a minute or two or seventy!"

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei merely watched their brother disappear in the crowd of people.

"Sometimes, I think we made a mistake swearing an oath of brotherhood with that idiot." Zhang Fei whispered.

"Yeah..." Guan Yu shrugged. That was all he said really...

Huangfu Song cheered suddenly as the Yellow Scarves binded his arms behind his back and was dragging him off. Or tried to at least before the three brothers came running into the fray. All of their attention was turned on them. "Thank god, some actual reinforcements!"

Zhu Jun even took notice. "What?! Those volunteer forces are trying to show me up by taking the leader's head? Not before me!" Hissing, he waved his hands and he and his group charged the Yellow Scarves general, Zhang Lian.

"Not so fast!" He shouted. Raising his staff, he slammed the end of it into the ground, causing the ground to erupt beneath Zhu Jun.

"Shit!"

"I told you, the Han is falling today and I will make sure of it!"

Zhu Jun and his units were instantly scattered in a mere second, the general on the ground holding his stomach. "Right in the family jewels... ow..."

The moment Zhu Jun went down, Lu Zhi suddenly stood up, weapon in hand, a most furious look on his face. "Alright! That's it! I'm tired of telling all of you to shut the hell up so I can sleep so now I'm going to have to kick all of your asses!"

"Lord Lu Zhi! You've been roused to combat!"

"Shut it, Song!" Lu Zhi slapped the tied Huangfu Song across the face. "If only you hadn't been yelling to begin with... Zhang Lian! Prepare to meet steel on that ugly face of yours!"

Charging forward, Lu Zhi threw his hand out trying to jab his sword into Zhang Lian's stomach. However the Yellow Scarves general easily avoided it and slapped his staff into the Imperial general's sword. The moment it touched, an electrical charge went through the blade and shocked Lu Zhi.

"F-f-f-ffffff-!" Lu Zhi then fell to the ground, a burnt crisp.

"Hah! See? Not even the Imperial's top generals are enough to handle me!" Zhang Lian turned towards Guan Yu and Zhang Fei. "And am I to think that you two are more than capable of stopping me?"

Zhang Fei looked at Guan Yu. "Can I shut him up?"

"By all means." He waved a hand to him.

Cracking his knuckles and neck, Zhang Fei stepped forward. "Oh man, I'm going to enjoy this. Let me ask you something? You ever been to a butcher shop? Do you know how they tenderize the meat?"

Zhang Lian gulped. That was a creepy and awkward question.

"The butcher pulverizes it! And buddy, let me tell you something, I'm going to beat the snot out of you so hard that you'll be served tender and ready to the Imperials! Hope you're ready." Grinning, Zhang Fei loomed over Zhang Lian who readied his staff.

Unfortunately for Lian, his staff was out of juice. "Oh... shit..."

Guan Yu only watched as the beating commenced. It wasn't until he noticed the rest of the Yellow Scarves soldiers moving in to save their leader. Stepping forward, Guan Yu stroked his beard.

"I suggest you all retreat and leave your leader, Zhang Lian to his fate. Unless you plan on following in his footsteps?" The long bearded man said.

The Yellow Scarves looked to one another and then to Zhang Lian who at that exact moment recieved a brutish punch to the stomach and the sounds of girly cries could be heard. They all grimaced at the thought that it could be them in his place when he gets bored beating the hell out of Zhang Lian. It was then they all raised their hands and smiled.

"Yeah, you're right, we don't want any part of that!"

"We'll take our leave!"

"Hey, can you punch him once for me? That bastard owes me money and he's yet to pay me back!"

Guan Yu glared. "Will you just get the hell out of here before I change my mind? I may cut hair but I'm also very proficient at cutting heads."

"A fact well noted!" A soldier said as he was the first to run. He was holding his pants up as if he just crapped himself out of being scared out of his mind at Guan Yu's words.

* * *

Across the battlefield...

"Get your hands off of me! Do I look like I need help?" Cao Cao yelled at Kong Rong who managed to pull him from his burning vehicle.

"I'm pretty sure your arms dislocated." Kong Rong pointed at Cao Cao's arm. It was bending in all sorts of direction.

"That's what happens when your ambition is strong. It distorts your arm and makes it take on the shape of different things. Before you know it, it will turn into some crazy sword like thing that will allow me to kill with the powers of a meta human." Cao Cao nodded.

"Oh please!"

"You doubt me? Watch this!" Cao Cao lifted his arm. He only let out a cry and fell onto his knees.

Sun Jian, who was ahead fighting off the enemy. "Will someone please get him off the front lines? His badgering is really starting to annoy and I swear I won't take responsibility if my killer disco instincts kick in and I go and throttle the brat!"

"Who you calling a brat?"

"Calm yourself my Lord." Huang Gai said as he threw his boat over his shoulder and atop of a Yellow Scarves soldier, crushing him beneath the boat like object. "Already we're closing in the enemy position so the last thing we need to do is turn on each other."

"I agree with Huang Gai."

"Shut up Han Dang..."

"Oh..."

Cheng Pu coughed. "I actually think that Huang Gai has the right idea. If we're this close to ending the fight, we might as well keep moving forward."

"Very well! Cheng Pu, how easy of you to sway me!"

Han Dang slapped himself in the forehead and ran his hand down his face. "I swear, does no one pay any attention to me?"

Qin Xie and Kong Rong looked to one another before to Cao Cao. "I really think we should take you back to the main camp so we can get that arm of yours looked at. You know, so they can fix it up so it doesn't heal wrong?"

"You better hope i don't stab you wrong!" Cao Cao hissed as he pushed off Kong Rong. "Come on! We have a whole army to deal with and we don't get anywhere if we keep losing generals due to cowardice. Like Zhang Miao! Are you telling me that you're like Zhang Miao?"

"Well... no?"

"And you Qin Xie?"

"I don't even know why I'm here honestly. I honestly thought I was in line for some free food..."

"Moron..."

Sun Jian yelled again as he kicked a guy in the face. "If you're all done talking can you come give us a hand before I throw my soon to be severed hand at your face?" Rolling his eyes, he brought about his 9 ringed sword and slammed the large blunt side of the blade against a soldier's body sending him spiraling into another.

Before long two Yellow Scarves general rode up on horses with their leader, Zhang Ba close behind with a staff in hand.

"Would you look at this? Imperial bastards coming onto our territory in an attempt to stop our Great Teacher? I think it's safe to assume that Deng Mao failed in his duties in stopping them."

"Apparently he was run over by a man dressed in blue..." One of the generals said.

"I see... well then. Zhang Mancheng. Gao Sheng. How about you show these fools what it means to fight?" He waved his staff at the two. "Now! Make my monsters grow!"

As the words left Zhang Ba's mouth, the two generals suddenly surged with strength as their muscles burst from their attire. Laughing, the two rode forth at the same time in an attempt to take the life of Sun Jian. Surprised he didn't have time to react. Instead, Han Dang and Cheng Pu moved up and deflected their attacks. However, they were repelled also landing flat on their asses.

"Damn! That's some magic they have cast on them!" Cheng Pu growled as he stood up.

"We ought to kill this Zhang Ba fellow if we have any chance at beating them..." Han Dang said as he leaned against his Iron Ko.

"Let's kill the Yellow Scarves general and perhaps the magic will wear off!" Sun Jian suddenly shouted. Han Dang could be heard whimpering behind the sounds of fighting of soldiers.

"Leave that to me!" Cao Cao reached for his waist line and pulled out his pistol. He aimed it with his left hand, though he was a righty. "I'll take him out in a blink of an eye." He then pulled the trigger, completely missing and hitting Huang Gai in the leg.

"Ow! What the hell?!" Huang Gai cried.

"Sorry..."

Zhang Ba laughed as he waved his hands to let Zhang Mancheng and Gao Sheng have another go at the Imperials.

"Come on let me have another chance!" Cao Cao whined as he tried to ready his pistol again. Kong Rong and Qin Xie were to busy trying to wrestle the gun from his hands.

"You're not well Cao Cao! Let us take you back to the camp so you can get your arm looked at and properly bandaged."

"Screw you, you damn wuss!" Cao Cao yelled as he elbowed Qin Xie in the gut. In doing so, his hand accidentally pulled on the trigger, the bullet flying with a bang and ricocheting off of Qin Xie's armor plate and hitting both Gao Sheng and Zhang Mancheng. Surprisingly, it killed them both leaving everyone staring in shock and awe. Even Cao Cao... "Wow... I mean... yeah! See what happens when you try and mess with me and my ambition? That's what happens! You hear that Zhang Ba, you're next if you don't get the hell out of here right now!"

Zhang Ba just stared. "Are we really getting pushed back by these idiots?"


	4. Stop Zhang Jue!

_**Chapter Four: Stop Zhang Jue! End the Rebellion!**_

"My lord." A messenger came in a bowed his head towards the relaxing generals, He Jin and Zhang Miao. "It appears that both parties of the Imperial army have encountered and are currently in the process of pushing back Yellow Scarves general's, Zhang Lian and Ba. From what I hear we're doing quite well."

"You think I care?!" He Jin yelled. "So long as the color yellow and those dirty scarves are ever present in our world I will never care! Not get the hell out of my sight before I have you executed!"

"Y-yes! Of course..." The messenger said nervously before stepping back and running off to safety.

Zhang Miao looked towards the leader of the Imperial Army. "So, you think we're going to win?"

"Eh... all I can say is that if we do lose, the capitol of Luoyang has a secret nuclear silo. If Zhang Jue really thinks he can stop the Han then he has another thing coming when the Emperor pushes that little red button and blows him as well as everyone else to smithereens!"

"... Really?"

"Hell if I know but it would be cool wouldn't it?" He Jin laughed. "Can you imagine it?"

"I'd rather not. That sounds really horrific." Zhang Miao cringed.

"Then you had better hope we don't lose!" He Jin cackled as he sipped on his soda.

* * *

On the battlefield...

Liu Bei was hiding amongst the crowd of soldiers as a thunderous cry echoed throughout the air. Confused, he looked around and nudged a fellow soldier asking what was going on.

"Didn't you hear? A volunteer soldier beat Zhang Lian in combat and the Yellow Scarves in the area are retreating to their main camp! This is a great victory for us!"

"Pfft." Liu Bei scoffed. "If anything it was me who won this for us with my awesome powers at my disposal!" Wiggles his fingers in the air as if trying to do something cool. The soldier that was talking to him only stared before slowly stepping away. "That's right, you better walk off. You never know when my powers will rage out of control and kill someone!"

Liu Bei began to make his way to the front lines again where he met with the other officers who were smiling and planning on how to proceed. They all greeted Liu Bei with a stare.

"What?"

"I heard you fled" Lu Zhi glared. "A student of mine fleeing from battle? Absurd!"

"I didn't flee, I was merely helping soldiers in the flank. Apparently some Yellow Scarves made their way down the mountain and began to attack us. Yeah.. that's it. We were flanked..."

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei looked to one another before making their way towards Liu Bei's side.

"So, yeah... anyways the plan, as it happens to be, is that we'll be charging the enemy's main camp. With Zhang Lian on the run it'd be best to give chase and end him while we have the advantage." Lu Zhi began to speak. "The only problem is that we think that the majority of their numbers are still hanging back. Until the other half of the Imperial army manages to break through to the other side of the mountain and forms the other half of this pincer attack, we won't last long."

"God, he speaks with such wisdom, it makes me shiver." Zhu Jun shook from head to toe. "Why doesn't he have He Jin's job?"

"Because he lacks the credentials." Huangfu Song chirped in.

"Oh yeah... those." Zhu Jun patted Lu Zhi on the back and the laughed. "Sorry bud. Perhaps another time, yeah?"

"Just shut up and let's go. We have little time to get our side ready, especially if the other half of the Imperial Army already broke through on their side."

Liu Bei tapped his chin. "Speaking of which, I wonder how they're holding up. They had that Cao Cao guy over there, right? The guy with the gun?"

"That is correct brother."

* * *

Speaking of which...

"Shit shit shit!" Zhang Ba panted as he tried to get his horse to run away faster. His generals were defeated by Cao Cao... by coincidence... so Zhang Ba had fled from the front lines. Obviously his magic wasn't strong enough alone to deal with the Imperials.

"Don't let him get away men!" Sun Jian ordered as he pointed in style. "If we capture him the job is already halfway complete. But, hell, if you want him to get away that's fine too. I don't mind a little chase here and there. Keeps the blood pumping."

"Feh." Cao Cao grumbled as his stood behind him, his arm in a sling after having it dislocated. "Let the fool run. He'll get caught by one of us eventually."

Cheng Pu tapped his chin. "Who knows? Maybe he'll lead us to Zhang Lian. Perhaps we should follow him instead of trying to kill him?"

Qin Xie and Kong Rong merely looked to one another. "We're sort of following your guys' lead."

"Go figure." Cao Cao rolled his eyes. "Bunch of faceless nobodies."

"While he may speak true that you're all a bunch of faceless losers but he is in fact wrong about you guys being nobodies. I mean, you are all rulers of your own land right?" Kong Rong raised his hand slowly while Qin Xie merely stared ahead. "Okay, so at least one of you is a somebody. Qin Xie, you disappoint me." Sun Jian shook his head.

"I am so ashamed..."

"You better be! You know what? How about you lead our forces into battle? That way, if you do happen to perish in battle, at least you'd go out like a man." Sun Jian nodded at this.

"I suppose."

"Oughta boy!" Jian laughed as he shoved a sword into his hand. "Now off you go, glory to the Han and all that good stuff! Make us proud!"

"You know I could go out there and just clear the way. I mean, I am probably the greatest fighter on the battlefield, currently."Cao Cao nodded his head.

"What!? You think you're better than me?" Sun Jian growled.

"Of course! I could beat you with my hands behind my back!"

"Shouldn't have to worry to much! One's already stupified!"

"It's dislocated, you jackass!"

"I should slap the shit out of you!"

Huang Gai punched the both of them of them in back of the head knocking them out. Casually he slung the two of them into his boat weapon and began to carry them. Han Dang, Cheng Pu, Kong Rong and Qin Xie all watched. This caused the elderly soldier to glance back.

"What? You can't possibly tell me that none of you weren't feeling the slightest bit of annoyance when they were bickering? Because if you say no, you're totally bullshiting." Huang Gai growled.

The other generals raised dismissive hands and walked off.

"That's what I thought. Now let's go beat up these Yellow Scarves!"

Before long the group has began to make it's march around the mountain. Now... it should be noted that with the defeat of both Zhang Lian and Ba, the Imperial Army has the opportunity to pull off a pincer attack on the enemy's main camp. However, the only problem is that the two groups aren't exactly smart nor do they have the coordination to be pulling off such a thing. Even if they should, it should be highly considered that they have no clue on what the hell is going on.

* * *

Later...

"Brother! Brother!" Zhang Lian panted as he made his way towards an alter in an open area. "The Han has pushed me back, I wasn't strong enough to stop them!"

"Oh, don't worry about it dear brother. I'm sure Zhang Ba has everything..."

"Holy crap that was close... I nearly lost my life back there." Zhang Ba wheezed as he suddenly came riding up on a horse. "Zhang Jue... uh... the Imperials have pushed me back and seeing Zhang Lian here, I'm guessing that they managed to push him back too."

"Well this isn't going according to plan." Zhang Jue scratched his head. "So, like... what do we do Zhang Lian?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"Well, I mean, you're the one who suggested the hostile takeover so I figured you might've known what to do next. Besides you seem like a great plan maker."

"Man you surely got the wrong idea about me..."

"Great Teacher!" A grunt came running up and bowing his head. "The Imperial Army is upon us. While at first they began to attack each other thinking they were us in disguise, they managed to get their heads together and are marching upon us."

"Shit... well brothers. I guess this is it. Our final stand! To destroy the Han!" Zhang Jue sniffled.

"Yeah, screw that!" Zhang Lian flipped Jue and Ba the bird. "I'm popping smoke! See you two later and good luck fighting them off!" And with that he ran off and was never to be heard from again.

"Okay... I guess it's up to us Ba."

"About that, you see, I have a contract with a certain individual that I would help them in building a multi-million mansion where he and I would live happily ever after. Sorry , Jue." And with that he sprinted off and was never to be heard from again...

"I have a feeling I was just abandoned in the climax of this battle."

"You sure were bud..." A voice came from behind.

Zhang Jue let out a girly scream as he spun around and was face-to-face with the Imperial Army, Zhu Jun in the lead ready to shed some blood. Panicking, Zhang Jue looked to and fro but the longer he took in trying to find out a plan, he was slowly being surrounded. Cao Cao was grinning readying his pistol while Sun Jian was jingling the rings on his sword, his generals also getting eager. Liu Bei readied his light saber while his sworn brothers stood next to him, their eyes never leaving Zhang Jue. Other generals like Huangfu Song, Qin Xie and Kong Rong prepared their swords.

"I suppose I have no choice but to surrender..." Zhang Jue whined. As he raised his hands to surrender, something interesting happened. A large pillar of fire erupted amongst the ranks of the imperials. "Whoa!"

"Holy shit!" Cao Cao cried as he dove out of the way. His suit caught fire momentarily but he managed to put it out, cursing that his suit was ruined.

"Damn, so it's true that he controls magic! Everyone, take his head quickly so he doesn't unleash unholy hell upon us!" Zhu Jun yelled. Swinging his sword downward, the imperial army charged.

"No wait! I'm trying to surrender but whenever I wave my arms..." He tried to explain but no matter what he did with his arms, pillars of fire erupted from the ground, scattering ranks of the imperials. "I just want this horrible nightmare to end!"

"Brother, get him now! You're in the clear to make a finishing blow!" Guan Yu yelled towards Liu Bei.

"Hah! Not before me, brat!" Sun Jian laughed as he rushed past Liu Bei who only blinked. Following him was his generals, Han Dang, Cheng Pu and Huang Gai. "Alright you three! Let's deal with this punk so we can get home!"

The three others nodded.

"I'll take the lead if you don't mind my lord!" Han Dang cried. Unfortunately... the other went past Han Dang. Completely ignoring him. "Why do I even bother?"

"C'mon Han Dang, you're falling behind as usual! Get your ass over here and help us!" Cheng Pu yelled back to his friend. Dang merely grumbled.

As the three circled around Zhang Jue, they eyed him carefully so they could be alert to any of Jue's magic tricks. The Yellow Scarves commander however only wanted to surrender but no matter what he did, fire would explode from the ground and make it that much harder for the imperials to listen.

"Uhh.. I'd be careful if I were you." Liu Bei called out to the officers leading the attack.

"Lord Sun Jian has the right idea! C'mon Qin Xie!" Kong Rong readied his sword with Qin Xie following close behind. As the two came to help Sun Jian, a fire pillar erupted from beneath the two, blasting Kong Rong away but catching Qin Xie.

"Eh?" Sun Jian turned around to see what was going on.

"Wow..." Zhu Jun only laughed as he pointed. "It seems our friend, Qin Xie, ran out of luck."

Huangfu Song's jaw was agap as he stared at the burnt body of Qin Xie. "Oh no... that fire attack killed him!"

Cao Cao rolled his eyes. "Who cares, he was a nobody anyways. The guy was here as a meat shield anyways. Now let's hurry up and kill this fool before any more of us die because I'll make sure you all die before me if that's the case!"

"What a douche..." Zhang Fei whispered. "I say we kill him now and be done with it."

"Now now, Fei." Liu Bei tutted. "That would create a paradox and I for one don't like those."

Zhang Jue placed his hands into his shirt and weeped. "All I want to do is surrender but I can't even do that. The magic I learned from that book has turned me into a cold blooded murderer! It'd be best if you just kill me now!"

"Damn right we'll kill you now!" Lu Zhi yelled as he pointed his weapon at Jue. "You turned against the Han and caused uprising of large proportions. You threw the peace off balance!"

"What peace?" Sun Jian snickered.

"Good one my lord." Han Dang smiled.

"Shut up, Dang."

"Oh..."

"For heaven's sake!" Cao Cao rolled his eyes. Immediately he pulled out his gun from it's holster, aimed at Zhang Jue and fired, hitting him square in the chest. "There, it's over are you all happy now? We can go back to our lives and pretend none of this ever happened."

Zhang Jue's body however turned to dust after a few moments leaving nothing but the bullet.

"What the hell?" Guan Yu raised a brow. "More sorcery it seems."

Huangfu Song sighed. "Does it mean that Zhang Jue escaped along with his brothers?"

"It would seem that way."

"Well that's just great! We waste our time trying to kill this fool and he eventually manages a quick getaway along with his brothers!" Zhu Jun threw a tantrum. "The Emperor better be damn grateful for our time in this."

"You mean like compensation?" Sun Jian perked up. "I like where this is going!"

"I wouldn't get your hopes up, Lord." Huang Gai sighed as he adjusted the boat into his back. "The Emperor is known to be a little stingy..."

"Feh... he's a brat too then."

Thus the battle of the Yellow Scarves ended. Many had died. As the battle ended all over the region, Scarves who were captured were executed while the three brothers, Zhang Jue, Ba and Lian escaped. Cao Cao was angry that he wasn't able to put down Zhang Jue for good while Sun Jian had began to pack his things and gather his troops to head back home. Liu Bei and his brothers stayed behind for a while longer at the Imperial's main camp discussing what it was they should do next.

"So that's it then..." He Jin stepped forward with his arms crossed. "Those damn yellow scarf wearing bastards are finally defeated? About time..."

"Yes, Lord He Jin." Huangfu Song bowed with Zhu Jun next to him. "Should we head back to Luoyang and report the good news to the Emperor?"

"I suppose." He Jin then looked to the side and saw Liu Bei. "Hey, what're you guys doing?"

"Just standing here... wondering why I am not eating pancakes."

"Idiot, I can make you pancakes..." Zhang Fei slapped Liu Bei in the back of the head.

"Then why are we here still?"

"Quiet, brother. Don't mind us, Lord He Jin, we were just about to mosey along our way."

He Jin raised a brow at Guan Yu. "Say, don't I know you? You look very familiar... like I've seen you on a wanted poster.

Guan Yu gulped and quickly pushed Liu Bei and Zhang Fei along. "YUP! It's really time for us to go! We don't want to keep that grill of yours from getting any colder, right Fei?"

"... Uh... yeah." Fei scratched his chin.

* * *

Before long the three brothers were gone. This ended the campaign for the Imperial army against the Yellow Scarves but there were still many insurgents left scattered throughout the country. As the months and years would pass there would be conflicts against many of the Yellow Scarves supporters... weeks later though after the defeat of Zhang Jue, there was a rumor of Yellow Scarves causing trouble in the north...

In a random town, Liu Bei and his brother sat around eating and conversing about how boring it was... that was until Lu Zhi happened to of stumbled in drunker than hell...

"Bartender! Another drink for me!" Lu Zhi spitted.

"Sir I think you've had enough."

"I'll tell you when I had enough!" He reached over and slapped the bartender.

Guan Yu was the first to notice... "Uh... Brother, isn't that your mentor, Lu Zhi?"

"No... it's some drunk."

"No I'm pretty sure that is your old teacher, Lu Zhi."

Zhang Fei sipped on his milkshake. "I think he's right..."

"Fine! I'll go talk to him and see why it is he's drunk and causing problems. Jeez." Liu Bei slapped the table and stood up. Walking over he tapped Lu Zhi on the shoulder. "Hey... uh... what's up?"

"Liu Bei?" Lu Zhi sobbed. "Oh, it is you! I'm so glad I found you!"

"What do you mean?"

"Perhaps you can help me... there are Yellow Scarves remnants causing problems in a close by area. Due to my losses I was replaced... by a fat bastard named... Dong Zhuo!"

Liu Bei blinked. "This is madness..."

Zhang Fei smirked and opened his mouth but Guan Yu elbowed him in the gut. "Don't even start..."

"What? It was a good movie..."


End file.
